


Assassin Training Video

by Assassin_J



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Assassin Daniel Cross, Assassin's Creed Spoilers, Based on a SpongeBob SquarePants Episode, Gen, Humor, Modern Assassins (Assassin's Creed), Non-Graphic Violence, References to Drugs, References to Sex, Swearing, cop killing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 03:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20482100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Assassin_J/pseuds/Assassin_J
Summary: "Can I use a Hidden Blade now?"Ha ha, no. You've got a lot to learn before you're ready for that!





	Assassin Training Video

Welcome aboard! If you're watching this video, then let me be the first to say: Congratulations! [a rainbow with the word "Congratulations" appears] You've recently been recruited into the Assassin Order, and this is your first official day of training!

Charlotte: "Can I use a Hidden Blade now?"

Ha ha, no. You've got a lot to learn before you're ready for that!

Charlotte: "Aw."

As you can see by this graph... [Scene cuts to a giraffe. Narrator clears his throat] Graph! [A line graph is shown, with three lines labeled "living members", "allies", and "financial assets". All three lines are trending downward.] ...our group isn't doing very well these days.

Charlotte: "Aw."

But let's go back to the beginning. [Collage of various historical Assassins is shown.] The story of the Assassin Order is the story of humanity's hard work, perseverance, vision, determination and sweat. [scene zooms into one of Altaïr's armpits] A lot of sweat. [pans over to Ezio's armpit] Seriously, there is a lot of running and climbing. Be sure to stay hydrated. [pans over to Edward and Kassandra who are wet all over] Jumping in the water doesn't count as hydration; you have to drink it.

[scene cuts to a Hidden Blade sliding out of a bracer with sparkles] From Humble Beginnings!

[scene cuts to a sepia picture of William Miles as a child, walking in a busy crowd] You may think that Mr. William A. Miles, current Mentor of our Order, has always been the tactical genius he is today. [William stabs a man in a business suit, and then slips away unnoticed.] And you're right!

[Scene cuts to a tired adult William, sitting depressed in a room with light at the window] After the loss of his son, William stayed secluded in a deep depression that seemed endless. [scene cuts to the Turin Grand Temple] But after some drama with the Initiates, he had some therapy, then renovated this huge Isu facility near (BLEEEP) and our new headquarters was born!

[scene cuts to a series of close-ups in the Temple. Funky music accompanies this.] To keep up with the fucking Templars, no expense has been spared to acquire all the latest achievements in assassination technology.

[Emmanuel Barraza holds up a pistol in his left hand] "This here's an advanced bullet-delivery mechanism."

[Emmanuel is now standing at the Animus] "Here you can see our deoxyribonucleic historical investigation system. Don't touch!"

[He now holds some throwing knives] "These are high-speed life-disrupting metallic implements. Imported from Italy."

[He holds up a hoodie] "This here's a high-quality facial obstruction tool." [He puts on the hoodie and zips it up. He tightens the hoodstring until only a small circle of his face is visible.]

[Camera cuts to a close-up of an Apple of Eden behind several locks.] "And maybe most importantly, this is a two-in-one mental overrider and cognition expander. Gavin can I go to lunch no-"

[Cuts away to Charlotte with small icons of a pistol, Animus, throwing knife, hoodie, and Apple of Eden spinning around her.]

All of this seems a little overwhelming, doesn't it?

Charlotte: "Uh, maybe a little."

Well try to keep up! We had to downsize Shaun's job writing the database, sorry!

Charlotte: "Why?"

Because U said so.

Charlotte: "I said so?"

No, U said so. U-soft, they kinda outrank even Willam, I uh, shit. Let's move on.

[The scene changes to Charlotte standing next to Daniel in some rural training facility.]

If the Mentor is the brain of the Order, the other Assassins are the hands and feet.

[close-up of Charlotte] Let's see if you got what it takes.... Hmmm, poised, confident, and a face that says, "Hello world! What evil am I fighting today?" You've got the makings of a good Assassin, Ms. de la Cruz!

But for every good Assassin, there is one who is not so good. [close-up of Daniel reading a Rolling Stone magazine] Let's see... inattentive, lazily groomed, piercings and tattoos that would be easily noticed by authorities. [close-up of the button Daniel is wearing on his shirt] Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Part Of This Secret Society!" button. There's a name for Assassins like this... but we'll call him Daniel.

Daniel: "Fuck you, should I go back to the other guys?!"

Hannah, offscreen: "Danny who are you yelling at? Did you forget your meds?"

Daniel, loudly: "No, I didn't forg-"

[scene cuts. Another Hidden Blade slides out of a bracer with sparkles] Training!

Charlotte: "Does this mean I get to assassinate someone now?"

No, you can't assassinate without understanding the phrase TERDS.

Charlotte: "TERDS?"

Once you understand TERDS, you'll understand a key part of being an Assassin. But what does TERDS mean? [Charlotte shrugs] It's actually a carefully organized code. Watch closely.

**T** emplars  
**E** verywhere  
**R** eally  
**D** ominate  
**S** ociety

Charlotte: "Oh! TERDS!" [smiles proudly]

Looks like Ms. de la Cruz understands TERDS.

[scene cuts to Daniel walking down a city street. There is a group of policemen surrounding some people at the block corner.] Oh, those civilians are being hassled, but they profess innocence! If we just remember TERDS, Daniel can figure out what to do.

[screen freezes to a quiz] Do you think those policemen are: A: secretly firemen, B: secretly kindergarteners, or C: secretly Templars?

[the screen zooms in on a ring the lead cop is wearing. It's the Templar Cross.]

Ah, TERDS! You never let us down!

[Daniel moves in for the kill; the scene cuts away but the sound of the violence continues under the narration]

Now that you understand TERDS, I bet you think you're ready to assassinate someone.

Charlotte: "Assassinate someone!"

Ha, ha! Not so fast, Eager McBeaver. We haven't even talked about: [scene cuts to a toilet] Protecting Your DNA. [toilet flushes. Scene cuts to Charlotte again.]

Charlotte: "Why was there a toilet just now?"

Every Assassin and descendant of Assassins should comply with a strict set of guidelines to ensure their genetic memory stays out of Templar hands. This means cleaning up any of your own blood that's left at mission sites. This also means no dicking down people that you don't 100% know and trust. [Charlotte makes a face.] Unless you were to use a condom and then keep that condom with you when you leave them.

Charlotte: "Ew!"

Now let's see how Desmond safeguards his DNA. [Screen shows a file photo of Elijah as a baby.] Whoops! Guess the Chosen One isn't all that perfect!

Charlotte, stamping her foot: "Hey, the man is dead! Show some respect, asshole!"

Okay, Ms. de la Cruz, are you ready for your first mission?

Charlotte: "Oh, uh. Yeah I guess."

Whoa there! We have a few more topics to cover first.

[scene cuts to a Hidden Blade, a rifle, and several books lying on a table] It's important to keep your supplies neat and well-organized. [scene melts away to the same room but now the blade and gun are stowed in a locked glass cabinet and the books are on a shelf.] Your weapons stay clean, deadly, and easy-to-find when you keep them where they belong!

Now that your workstation is all tidy, perhaps you think you're ready to perform a history-making assassination with the Hidden Blade!

[Charlotte barks like a dog then runs around the room. Narrator laughs] Calm down! There's plenty of time left. [a bone is thrown at her and she gnaws it] We have to make sure you're ready for the psychological aspect of the job!

Interfacing with your Mentor.

[scene cuts to Charlotte walking up to William in his office]

Charlotte: "Bill, can I have a raise?"

William: "What?"

Charlotte: "Uh, I mean, my mission stipend, can you increase it?"

William: "...You don't have a mission stipend. You haven't gone on any missions yet. We give you room and board for free." [He looks to the camera.] "Gavin why are you recording th-"

[scene cuts to Daniel out in the city again, standing in line at a pharmacy.] Now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we'll teach a civilian the truth about Abstergo. Or as we like to say, "**Ass**tergo"!

Daniel, talking to the ceiling: "Hey, number 1, are you fucking eleven years old? and number 2, you realize that insult doesn't work when our **own** group has 'Ass' in it twice?"

Other customer: "Who are you talking to?"

Like precious, precious blood in an animal, humanity is what our Order is all about protecting.

Daniel: "Why do you have to say it with such a creepy metaphor?"

Ha ha! That wasn't a metaphor, it was a simile.

Other customer: "Why are you talking to the ceiling?"

Daniel: "I'm making friends with the paneling."

Other customer: "Here, go ahead of me; you need the meds more than I do."

Psst, Daniel! Remember: TERDS!

Daniel: "What? Oh, shit, uh... Hey. Um maybe you shouldn't buy any meds, man."

Other customer: "What are you on?"

Daniel: "Some weed right now, but that's beside the point. See, I heard Abstergo Industries is actually building a New World Order?"

Other customer: "..."

We'll check up on these two later.

[scene cuts to a blaring siren] Right now, it's important that we discuss: An Emergency Situation! [scene cuts to Charlotte standing by the Apple of Eden in its glass case.] Like the lost gold of Atlantis, many people hunger for the Apple's beauty and power. So it's up to you to be the watchful eyes of...

[there is a faraway, slightly muffled explosion.]

Charlotte: "What was that?" [The camera zooms out and Emmanuel steps into frame.]

Emmanuel: "The uh, whatchacallit, Lamda Team of Templars was trying to infiltrate. Akaki dropped a lil bomb on their asses."

And so, another emergency is avoided, thanks to Ms. de la- I mean, thanks to Mr. Ninidze.

[scene cuts to Daniel and the pharmacy customer] Let's check in on Daniel again.

Daniel: "...y'see and they reprogrammed my memory like, uh, uh, like that movie... the Mandalorian Candidate-"

Customer: "Isn't that a Star Wars thing?"

Daniel: "Sure whatever. My point is, they gave me subconscious missions to kill people- the Brotherhood's way better, they give me **conscious** missions that I can **choose** or-"

Customer, turning their head: "Wait, is that guy filming us? Is this some reality show thing?"

[The camera moves shakily, until the scene is partially obscured by a potted plant.]

Pharmacy staff member: "Next in line!"

Daniel: "Oh shit that's me." [He goes to the counter] "Uh yeah, hi. Daniel de la Cruz, date of birth 3-13-75."

Staff member: "Right, I have uh, three prescriptions ready."

Daniel: "There's supposed to be four."

Staff member: "Hm, oh yes, I see the fourth." [She gives him a bag.] "Sign there to acknowledge."

Daniel, after opening the bag: "Wait, shit! These are from Abstergo!"

Staff member: *looks a bit puzzled*

Daniel: "These are Abstergo brand; I asked for generic brand!"

Staff member: "Uhh." *she clicks on the computer a few times.* "Oh, there was a recall out on the generic brand. Some kind of contamination?"

Daniel: "Fuck."

Staff member: "Sir, I must ask you to refrain from abusive language or you will have to leave the store."

Daniel: "Fine!" [he shoves the bag back at her and throws his hands up, heading out of the pharmacy.] "Fucking Abstergo! Went and sabotaged the competition, су́кины сыны́! Давай, Гэвин, давай уйдем."

Hang in there, Daniel, it's all part of the job.

[scene cuts to a shot of an Assassin codex] Now that you've learned the basics of your training, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for.

[an empty screen appears with a Hidden Blade slowly coming closer.] Da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da-daa!!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-daa Da-da-da-la-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da-daa!!!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, tssshh Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa-da-da a-da-daa!!!

Ti-ta-ti-ti-ta-ti-ti-ta-ta-ta- la-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-la-ba-ba!!!

Ba-ba-da-la-ba-ba-baa, Ti-ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li-ti-taa, Ti-ta-ti-li [gasps, then resumes] Ti-ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li- ta-ti-li-ta-ti-li-ti-ta-ti-ti- ta-ti-ti-taaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Using the Hidden Blade!

The centerpiece of the Assassin Order is our signature weapon. [Charlotte steps closer to a Hidden Blade on an illuminated pedestal in an otherwise totally-dark room.] Devised nearly twenty-five-hundred years ago, and capable of being modified to add many, **many** additional features. And now you, the humble novice, the eager recruit ready to help protect Humanity's balance, will learn the sacred and dark secrets of how to use, with your very own hands... [Charlotte looks at her hands and gasps in joy.] ...the ancient, hyper-efficient, finger-cutting, spine-severing, heart stopping, carotid-stabbing magificence that is the Hidden Blade!

Are you ready? [Charlotte nods excitedly.]

Are you sure? [Charlotte nods again; her hair is flying all over the place.]

Okay! The secret of the Hidden Blade i-


End file.
